One piece of investigative work that I have been particularly enjoying during my first term at ³È×ÓÓ°Ôº has been finding out what our community believes constitutes the ideal Carmel graduate. What would we want to be the characteristics and attributes of someone leaving our school? What are the most important and impressive traits of someone who has benefited from a Carmel education? My thinking is that if we know and can articulate what sorts of people we want to develop at our school, we can work backward and consider where each of those important attributes is taught and practised. We can also show people outside our current community the benefits of the School, what we are aiming for as we educate the young women and men in our midst and why they should join us on this journey.

Teachers have discussed this in their departments and teams and developed lists of the characteristics they consider important. At our first two coffee mornings, parents have passed me their thoughts on the traits of someone completing their education at Carmel. Student voices have provided an exciting set of responses and made me reflect on how our young people often impress us with their thinking. I have also received submissions from many alumni who have shared their strong beliefs about specific areas of importance, formed during and since their time at the School. Various other groups have met and talked and provided valuable input.

Strong themes are already emerging, and the Carmel Leadership Team is meeting to cluster the many contributions and start to formulate a summary. I picture the final result as a cartoon of a Carmel student with their characteristics labelled around the outside, much like a scientific diagram with labels. I’m sure someone creative will come up with something far more imaginative.

Many of the ideas contributed have related to characteristics I would have expected, wanting our graduates to be honest, kind, respectful and caring, for example. Unsurprisingly, ensuring Carmel graduates are proud of their Jewish identity also features strongly, as do the characteristics of loving learning and finding a passion for something. I was pleased that one attribute that has featured more than I would have anticipated is that of resilience.

Resilience is the ability to cope with and recover from hard times, stress and adversity. People are resilient when they deal with the challenges and difficulties which are inevitable in life, learning and developing through the experience. Some people refer to it as enabling us to thrive, not just survive.

Cornell University’s health page suggests that resilient people are more likely to successfully meet the demands of their work and personal lives, be better able to take action to deal with problems and setbacks and have a sense of independence, self-efficacy and self-worth. It also suggests that those of us who are resilient have a sense of purpose and goals for the future; all characteristics we want to support and develop in our students.

In a school context, resilient children are more likely to have the courage to try challenging activities in the classroom. A disappointing test result or really difficult task won’t put them off, for example. And as parents, it’s really important that we help our children develop resilience. They need the self-belief and confidence to be courageous, to try new things, to not be put off by disappointment. It may be reassuring to read that resilience is not a fixed state – there are times in our lives when we are more resilient than at other times. I know when I’m very tired, for example, I am less resilient than following a good night’s sleep. Arguably even more importantly, resilience can be learned, practised, and strengthened.

As parents, we can share times when we have been disappointed with a result or outcome and what we’ve done about it. We can make sure we are not supporting our children to learn to be helpless and dependent on us. A High School student who forgets their lunch but expects their mum to stop whatever they were doing and race to school with it develops helplessness in a child which is unhelpful, and which does not contribute to their resilience. I don’t mean that they will develop resilience in terms of not needing food at lunchtime, but with support, the situation will require them to consider and act on strategies to deal with the situation. Could they share with a friend for today and reciprocate tomorrow? Could they find that spare cash in the bottom of their bag or locker and work out what exactly they can afford, even if it isn’t the nutritious meal that we would hope for? Could they eke out their recess food and have some of it at lunchtime? Going without lunch on one occasion is not ideal but is also unlikely to have tragic consequences and the learning that can take place during your dinnertime debrief could be invaluable. It may also develop resilience by preventing them from always expecting others to solve their problems for them.

Post-mortems of assessment results for older children can also be a crucial learning experience in terms of resilience. For all students, there will come a time when they are bitterly disappointed by a test or exam result or may even fail it! If our children never experience failure, it may mean that they have not been sufficiently challenged; it also removes the opportunity for them to learn to deal with the emotions that accompany disappointment and failure.

Poor test results can be the start of fabulous discussions to help children develop resilience. And this is where our adult input is invaluable, as we know that failure can be a catalyst for great change. It’s easy to blame whoever marked the test and waste ages trying to find an extra mark here or there. Far more constructive is spending that time working through model answers, revisiting class notes, reading around the subject, talking to the teacher about revision strategies, choosing to re-sit the test at home the following week and planning for the next one. In this case, resilience means dealing with the disappointment and exploring effective strategies to prevent it happening next time.

As a parent, it’s sometimes tempting for us to solve our children’s problems. To make their lives easier. But I have learned that there are times when it’s better to let them develop resilience by supporting them to consider their mistakes and work out strategies to make them less likely next time. Perhaps it might be interesting for you to consider ways in which you can help your child become more resilient this week.

I look forward to sharing the findings of the project on the Carmel graduate with you later in the year.